2009 is already here. 2008 wasn't such a good year for me. It has been tough, lots of drama and all. The coming of the new year means I have to face the demons I have been trying to run from last year. Tomorrow I will have to brave the lion's den with nothing in my hand. I was going to come prepared but as usual God had other thing in mind. My last blog, was an outpouring of emotion. Sometime I just had to get angry at others because it's a bummer to get angry with myself all the time.

That aside. Last night I had an interesting night. Even though I was still in pain and all doped up with pain medication I followed my dad to Suara PRIMA New Year celebration. Suara PRIMA is an organisation of poets blogger and they have a gathering every month or so to read poetry on any given theme.

Last night for the new year reading, the theme was protesting against the teaching of science and mathematics in English. It was interesting because there I was an English lecturer and they were all passionately speaking against the Education Ministry current policy and you know what I totally agree.

It was a bad idea in the first place. When I was doing my sociolinguistic project, we had a survey done whether teaching of English could be improved. Basically we found out that most people have the opinion that there is a flaw in the teaching of English at school. One lecturer said there's not enough exposure especially in reading, that if the student could be encouraged to read more in English and exposure to English literature would be a help. Not once did anyone suggested that English should be use as the language of  instruction of other subject. It was because everyone knew the root problem was with the teaching method of English and the students' attitude towards the language. That was the real problem, that is why even after 11 years of learning English as a second language most Malaysian students lack proficiency in English

When it was announced that Science and Maths were going to be taught in English, I pittied the students. It was hard enough learning those subjects in a language they understand but now having to learn it in a language that they did not only understand but for some a language they detest. I also pitied the teachers who have been teaching the subjects for a long time, now having to retrained themselves. A lot of jokes was passed on what would happen to these "experienced" teachers.

One gentleman last night made a point that we are not against English but we are protesting the murder (I can't find a better word to describe this) of the Malay language as an academic language. Furthermore, he adds, it is true that in school it is only 2 subjects but further down the road in higher learning institute these will branch to almost 80% of subjects taught. That effectively kill all the effort of those who fought for the right to use the national language as the language of instruction. As he said the policy murdered Malay as an academic language.

When I was in school I read a lot about other people in countries like France and Japan refusing to speak other language apart from their own because of therir love of their mother tongue. I respected that and wished that we have the same fervour. I mean we were lucky that we can actually lay claim to multilingualism, because on average Malaysian can speak at least 2 language and that is great. So why don't we leave it all alone. Japan has advance so fast using on Japanese as their language of instruction. Students from Malaysia are learning Japanese so that they could study in Japan. Why can't we make other people learn our national language instead of torturing our own people to learn 2 difficult subjects in English. My cousin who teaches Maths commented that the students couldn't even understand the concepts ion Malay let alone in English.

So I call upon Malaysian who cares, make your voices heard because this is our future we are talking about, we can't continue in this blind accepting state. The children of Malaysia needs someone to stand up for their right. This experimenting business should be stopped once and for all.

I am so tired of this. I don't know what made me think I could do this. I have always had problem when I did my bachelor's and master's thesis. What made me think I could do a Ph.D. I am in such deep shit now, I don't know what to do. God! I know I should be grateful that I didn't get the fullblown illness like adik and mom has, but this half-half business is still as bad. My supervisor thinks I shouldn't have applied, that I am just a waste of space. I know I can overcome this like I have always have but right now it all look bleak to me. I haven't been able to sleep at night for weeks now. Just like in school I have to see the sun and know another day is through before I can close my eyes (or it's just plain exhaustion.

Adik is ping-ponging in her depression. I just don't know how to help her, I can't even help myself. Maybe writing this down will help unblock whatever is blocking my brain, so that I could carry on with my proposal get it approved and get on with the researched adn finnish this stupid thing I've started to fulfill daddy's dream.

Adik said she no longer dreams, me I never had any. All my life I've been trying to fulfill other people's dream for me. Without them I guess I would have turn to ashes long ago. But fulfilling other people's dream is sometimes too big an obligation and it brings me down time and again.

I wish...

No! What use are wishes. My wish never come true anyway.

as always

i find myself in darkness

and i don't know

whether i want to find the light

in this limbo i will stay

til daylight

force me to make

a choice.

I don't know anymore. Why do I always screw it up?

 Why?

Why does it seem everytime I know the answer, the question changes?

Why when whatever meaning I could discern in life, suddenly does not apply anymore?

Why is it so hard?

Why couldn't I understand?

Why when you ask why, there seem to be no answer?

All my life I have asked why,

I think it is about time I stop,

I am tired of confusing myself

with thousands of reasons

that never actually answer

all my why(s)

I woke up today feeling all out of sorts, and I forced myself to write something, it's been long since I was able to write a poem down and when I did today it is some existentialist angst. I think it's horrible but at least something is there yah, whatever, I got to get my mind straight again so that I am not lost in self pity and all those shit.

I wish I could have normal emotions so that I could react properly to people who like and love me, but I am so blunted emotionally I know friends are uncomfortable to share problems or good news with me, well this was one of my why(s) and I know the reason but could never really reach the crux of the matter, hence it is still unanswered.

God! I am so messed up.

Yes, today is my 30th birthday. I don't know what to say, feel or act. Life is still going at the same old rate, no changes and I don't think I have achieved whatever I set out to achieve years ago. Well it has been like this since my eigteenth birthday, I don't see the point of continuing on and each birthday feels like another prolongement of my incarceration on this earth. I have been trying to boost myself up ever since, telling myself living is not bad and there are others who have worse luck than mine and they are happy that they are alive. But however, I try to be happy I will always end up depress on my birthday. My brother with all his eleven years worth of celebration cannot understand this lethargy of mine, and to tell the truth even I don't understand it myself.

My mantra right now is Hoobastank's "If I were You" trying to remind me to be grateful for whatever I have, it helped me through the darkest part of my mood but I don't think it's going to work for long.I have cried, prayed, and talked to God but I have no one that I could really hash things out 'cause even when I talk to myself it sound so pathetic and ungrateful.

Well I better stop now before I bore myself silly 'bout this.

This is the story of my life, I never seem to find the time to do the things I like. The other day while invigilating I thought of something nice to write but I have already forgotten whatever it was that the muses brought me. I think soon they'll give up on me and I will never write again. Oooh God forbid!

My darling brother has been sick the whole week and the poor boy kept on calling me for comfort at work which made me feel really bad. I was sick the whole week too but poor me couldn't take mc coz of no one to take over invigilation duty. Too tired now, nearly crash everyday because I am not very alert and sleepy.

As you see from this disjointed stories that I am not really that well but just wanted to write something at least.

What can I write? I haven't writtten for sooooooo long. This place is draining me mentally and it is so hard to sit down and write anything. A few weeks back I had an idea to write but as usual there weren't any available computers, so I didn't get to write it down. As fleeting as ideas could get so understandably I cannot write it down now because it has gone with whatever muse that it came with.

I am now at a junction where I cannot decide what I want from life anymore. Daddy said that I should seriously decide whether  I want to stay single and be happy about it, or whether I want to marry. If I want to marry he says I better do something about it fast, lower my defences or mix around more, because he says soon only married men will be available for me (not many men of my age or older is still single) and being a second or third wife is not a pleasant position. But still I don't do anything about it, I long for a baby but trusting men or a man is difficult for me still. How am I to love if I can't trust? God help!

Why am I so mawdling, it's this new pill that the doc prescribed, it's making me moody, weepy, sleepy and very tired. Well at least it gets me writing again. Anyway whether I like it or not this is what has been on my mind for a while now and it is noy my big three oh birthday yet, what will I be feelling this September, only God knows.

I was browsing around the site for my students' blogs for creative writing and it reminded me how long I haven't blogged myself. The thing is these days I have no mood at all to blog or write or anything. This sem I am teaching creative writing and ironically amidst asking students to write I am unable to write. I cheat at time by using my previous works for example. I try to write alongside them in class, it's not that I am unable to come up with anything, I can, but the quality is horrible. It's dull, uninspiring and trite.

I think I have to get away from this job and rest for a long time before I could produce good writing again. But the reality is I'll be stuck here till God knows when, coz I have responsibilities and I need this job.

If only.....

I am facing this enormous block in my head, that is stopping me from writing anything. That is why I have not been writing. I've tried so many times but I couldn't. Today I am forcing myself to write anything down, to see if I could get past this. I was asked by my programme manager to write something for our programme for the paper, and I did manage to write something, but the thing is it is horrible. If I am my usual self that is the copy that will end up in the trash, but since I am unable to come up with anything else, that is the copy I am sending.

Well as you see, I am rambling here. But at least I manage to get something down this time, not like the few tries before this where I log off without posting anything.

The other day we watched our students perform their play. Some of the groups show great effort and they were entertaining. But when it came to the group I have taken over coz their lecturer has fractured her knees, they were horrible. I had a talk with them afterwards, and they begged to do over, I didn't have the heart to say no, but I did not promise them anything, just told them to make it worth my while. I thought that was it, but the my friend and colleague got really upset thinking that I have put her in a difficult position because she has a group that is unprepared as well and she don't intend to let them do over, and now she said I have gone against the standard. I listened to her rant, and then I told her look, this is the kids' mark we are talking about and it is important for them to show me that they could do better and finally I did not promise them anything other than looking in their do-over, therefore new marks was not promise unless it was something spectacular which I doubt, anyway, that calm her down. I know she is a bit strict about this thing and tend to look at what others are doing in terms on how it would affect her decision with her students, but for me as much as we are sharing subjects, we are still autonomus in the decision we have with our students, anyway she herself has made a decision that would go against the decision I have made for my student. A student of hers is not coming to the play, after a long talk with her students she decide it's okay and just tell the student to tell the others that she'll be having her marks deducted, but in actuality no. My student is not coming as well, but I told her marks will be deducted. So what I can deduced is that it's ok to differ as long as you appear not to do so, well to me that's a bit hypocritical. Well it's not like I am mad with her or anything, I think anyone has the right to speak up for what they believe in but for me when it comes to second chances, I am for it a hundred percent. Why? Because my life has been full of people who have given me second chance, and if not for their mercy, I won't be here where I am. For someone whose gone through what I have would understand that giving second chance is the most precious gift you can give to anyone. My experience and the heart I have been born with make it so easy for me to have mercy on anyone, even those who have hurt me so badly.

If people that I know haven't given me a second chance, I would have long ago ended up in ditch somewhere dead. So this is how I am, my life has shaped this way, whenever I am face with a choice like this I know I will always choose to be merciful. Think me soft or what, I don't care, but I think this cold, hard, cruel world need more mercy from everyone.

Hi, it has been a long time hasn't it? I just wanted to check out my sis's blog, so while I was looking around I thought I'd write something just to break the silence. Well got to go to class now. Write later.

I logged in and I had to checked whether I typed the right address. Everything's so different. It looks nice though. Well giving this a test drive. Had nothing in mind to write actually. I'm all write out.

Yesterday the tv went kaput on me. I had a movie I wanted to watch that night. I whined about it so much that my dad told me to go buy a new one, small of course (14"), and charged it to my card. Ugh I've just cleared RM 300.00 this month, and because of my tv dependency I am maxing it out again, I will never get out from this debt!!!! Well I should never had gone and get a credit card, it's too easy to depend on it. Don't get me wrong I did not go out and spend it to shop on shoes or things like that, most of it is spent on gas and groceries, no not most, all of it. Well I'll just pray that strike it big so I can clear it one shot. Well I guess till I earn more than I am earning now I will never be far away from money woes. I hope that I won't get too much into debt.

That aside, I am now so bored teaching Philopsophy of Education,because I am not an expert in the subject, my lectures are dry, straight from the text. Worse there are three groups altogether, which means I have to repeat the same things three time. I am boring the hell out of me, I can't guess how the students taking it. On the bright side, I have started teaching Literature and the students are a gem, I am looking forward to delve into my favourite area, I have missed it soooooooooo much.

Well for being all write out I managed to write quite a bit today. I guess that's it, now I am totally all write out.

A new year has come, and I am still the same old person I was last year. I stopped making resolution about a gazillion years ago. This year I have hit the most boring new years eve ever. I watched TV and then when to sleep at 11.15 p.m. How lame is that?

Well that aside, I wish everyone a Happy New Year, may it be merry and prosperous.

I guess that's about it then, so very sleepy, had to wake up early coz schools started and have to push off earlier to avoid the jam. YAWN! Ok ciao!

What is life without a few down moments eh? Well this week my company is holding an annual dinner and it's a theme dinner. We have to go either as a hero or a villain, and I don't know what to wear, so I decided to wear all black and claim to be the black widow.

Well I am still alone, if you're wondering, back when I would have been known as a spinster, but I guess it is quite normal for ladies to marry at 31 or 32 nowadays, since I am not yet 30, there is still hope for me.

I am not too busy nowadays, class is going on, and it seems to be ok. I am flying by the seat of my pants of course, reading up just before class. But skills I have learned all my life of thinking on the spot helped. What do I know about Philosophy of Education? Not much, I have slept through the class and now I am teaching it. Life has a way of throwing you a curve doesn't it? Well thank god for internet and books, I could at least pretend I know more than the students do.

Some people is going to think I am crazy, but I missed the days when I was looking after my baby brother. I love looking after babies, I don't mind those late night feeding or changing, actually I love everything that involve with babies. I wish for a baby sometimes, like I wished for my lil bro, but wishes seldom come true for me. Well one of these days when God will grant my wish I am going to be the happiest person alive.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my, how do I put it hmm...., i guess partnerless would do, well that's it, I can't help feeling this emptiness, that it has even invade my dream world. For nights I have been dreaming of this need to be held. After my last disastrous experience with a man I am not looking forward to another relationship, but as time pass me by with a lot of couples going right in front of my eyes, I feel so alone and so left behind.

Well the thing is I think it's all my fault, my inability to trust man have me putting up defence to deflect any interest coming my way, and I am so adept and so used to this I can't stop.

My dad told me I have to decide soon, how I want it, if I want to marry I better soften my attitude, if not than it is okay, I could go on as I am right now. The thing is I don't know, deep inside I know I need someone to love me but dare I open my heart to the cold cruel hard world I don't know. I really don't know! 

So much for not being busy. The thing is I was not busy but things just came up and before I know it, it has been a while since I have written anything on the blog. At the momment I am in the midst of writing a paper for a conference, I am so glad that I still have the touch, the words are flowing like honey and I hope it will achieve what I want it to achieve.

Last weekend I went on holiday with two friends from work, we had a marvelous time. They threw a surprise belated birthday celebrations with delicious cake, funny candles, and interesting presents. I finally received Davinci's Code (I have been debating about buying it, but it has always been out of my budget), Thanks Kak Limah. What made it all special was that it was by the seaside and I always love being by the sea.

That was our last hurray, coz class starts on Monday. Well so far as I met with my students they seem to be a good bunch of kids, I hope things will be allright this sem.

Wearing makeup is such an issue in my family. I don't know how it started but the desire to wear or satrting to put lipstick on has always been a signal that someone is on the high side. Whenever my mom is sick she always indicate interest in makeup, and when I start battling the high and low demon, I too will start putting on makeup when I way high in the stratosphere.

It was okay when I was schooling or in U but when I started working it become an issue. Wearing makeup has become a "must" thing for women who are working. So the thing is I cannot overcome the aversion of wearing makeup, cause then I am not sure of the state of my mind, am I well or not.

I had even been fired twice because of this. Luckily the place I am working now is not stressing on makeup just dressing, so I am quite comfortable here, even though there are certain grouses. But for me the most important thing I need is good colleagues and the freedom to be myself, which I have found here. I know I have to move on for better peace of mind but I cannot make myself leave the wonderful friends I have here, I guess until they leave I'll hang on.

I have to admit that I am not really healthy this semester. I know family call me a hypochondriac but what can I say silly stuff made me ill. Stress can play havoc with my body, and my stress level this pass few months have been over the limit, I am surprised I am not dead. But my headache and migrains have made frequent visit that I haven't been off pain killer, now I am afraid that I'll be addicted.

Thank God I have a father who's willing to massage away the pain. Well if ever stop blogging then you'll know that stress had finally put me six feet under.

Hmm... Don't know what I wanted to say. Just that I hope that my world will turn itself the right side up soon. And maybe then I'll have the luxury of time to write as long and as completely as I want.

I am facing so many stress-filled situation nowadays, that I don't know whether I am reacting to things correctly anymore. I laugh at sad things, I cry at the slightest provocations, and I get angry a lot. I have been trying to put a lid on these out of control emotions but as usual when there's an overload inside it tends to seep out at the most inappropriate moments. I have been saying things I shouldn't and I have scolded my little brother more than he deserve. I don't know what to do anymore. I usually take time outs to get all this under control, but now I can't even afford to take time out for sleep. I haven't been able to write anything for months, so many ideas inside my head but couldn't find the time. God I need a BREAK.

Well the only way I am coping nowadays is just to look at things as sarcastically and comically as possible. Others might think my perception is sick, or weird or just plain screwy, but it is the only way I could make sense of my world at this moment. My birthday was this month, and I just turn 29, but what bothers me is that it still feels like I am still 19. there has been no significant changes in my life, and I forsee no significant changes in many years to come, I'll be stuck in the same rut FOREVER.

Better stop before I rant too long and say things I don't intend to share with any one ever.

It's been a while since I wrote anything here. I was so busy that I didn't have time to breathe, and when I do I was too stressed up to think of anything to write. But funnily enough, an unfortunate disaster that's covering Malaysia now, the haze, has given me some room to catch my breath. The students have been given a long break and even though I still have to come to work my hours is not so pack with classes that seems never-ending. I even had time to organize the lump of mess on my desk into sensible order and my mind is no longer a whirlwheel of jumbled up plans of trying to catch up on piling work.

God! I know you work in funny ways. But I never thought it could be this funny, as it is I am grateful  for the reprieve You have given me. Alhamdulillah!

Well I think for now that is all I could write, I am going to enjoy the time I have been given.