I am so tired of this. I don't know what made me think I could do this. I have always had problem when I did my bachelor's and master's thesis. What made me think I could do a Ph.D. I am in such deep shit now, I don't know what to do. God! I know I should be grateful that I didn't get the fullblown illness like adik and mom has, but this half-half business is still as bad. My supervisor thinks I shouldn't have applied, that I am just a waste of space. I know I can overcome this like I have always have but right now it all look bleak to me. I haven't been able to sleep at night for weeks now. Just like in school I have to see the sun and know another day is through before I can close my eyes (or it's just plain exhaustion.

Adik is ping-ponging in her depression. I just don't know how to help her, I can't even help myself. Maybe writing this down will help unblock whatever is blocking my brain, so that I could carry on with my proposal get it approved and get on with the researched adn finnish this stupid thing I've started to fulfill daddy's dream.

Adik said she no longer dreams, me I never had any. All my life I've been trying to fulfill other people's dream for me. Without them I guess I would have turn to ashes long ago. But fulfilling other people's dream is sometimes too big an obligation and it brings me down time and again.

I wish...

No! What use are wishes. My wish never come true anyway.

as always

i find myself in darkness

and i don't know

whether i want to find the light

in this limbo i will stay

til daylight

force me to make

a choice.

I don't know anymore. Why do I always screw it up?